The Fish Dating App

I recently listened to a podcast where someone described online dating as: “For men it’s like screaming into a void, and for women it’s like swimming in a sea of dick pics.” I don’t find an overabundance of dick pics in online dating–instead it’s an overabundance of conversations so short and boring a dick pic or two might actually be an improvement.

Me: something I liked about their profile, something interesting, a question.
Them: short answer to question.
Me: question, something interesting.
Them: brief answer.
Me: question, question.
Them: brief answer.
Me: … … (wondering when the ability to have a conversation stopped being a thing)

Sometimes it seems like that takes place in only a few words. Anyway I’m not on there to find a partner, maybe to find someone to hang out with, but mostly because it’s entertaining. The most entertaining thing about it is the fish. An absolutely astounding number of profile pics include, not dicks, but fish. Really, really big fish.

Wait I’m confused… Is this an app for meeting guys or fish?

A funny corollary of all this fish-displaying is that Bumble unintentionally becomes a fishing competition. I pity the poor guys who don’t realize this and post pictures of themselves holding tiny fish. They probably don’t understand why they never get any dates.

Anyway the obvious winner–and best provider–is the dude who caught a shark

Strangely, about half the women have snapchat filters on their pictures that give them huge anime eyes and puppy noses and flower crowns. This has to be at least as bizarre and annoying for the guys and calls into question what the world is coming to…

However, I finally discovered that you can filter by politics and religion (duh), and instantly all the pictures of lovely big fish disappeared. It seems that Jesus, Trump, and biting giant fish go together in a holy trinity (who knew?), and the profiles I’m left with are a lot more boring but probably also a lot more useful.

I think my takeaway from the whole experiment is that sailfish are amazing and mahi mahi look bizarre and cool, and I think I’ll be eating even less deep sea fish in the future.

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